Chapter 10 Caption Hook and the No Tell Motel

CHAPTER 10

CAPTION HOOK AND THE NO TELL MOTEL

Sex is a wonderful thing, for most people anyways. But if a person has been having sex long and often enough during the course of their life they will periodically run across what I like to call the sexually challenged. Normal wonderful people, but unfortunately they suck in the sack, either from lack of experience or certain personality traits, like clumsiness. I would be one of those people. Unfortunately, through no fault of my own mind you, it would seem that I have had more than my fair share of bad sexual experiences, salvaged only by my good nature and the great story telling opportunity that they usually provide.

Now people define bad sex in different ways. For some its not achieving climax, or not having an emotional connection with ones partner. Regardless of how you define it, there are several universal descriptions of bad sex. Example's of these would include but are not limited to: broken bones, trips to the Emergency room, unpleasant and unexpected bowel movements, and or remarks made that the other person may find offensive resulting in a post coiltal argument. Oh yes, Ive been through them all.

A perfect example of this would be a good friend of mine we shall affectionately refer to as Caption Hook, based on a certain hook like appendage he has and is very proud of. While engaged in a hot and heavy encounter with the Captain one evening, one of us got a little to into the act, namely him, while the other trying desperately to keep rhythm in her head, namely me, got thrown off count, did a thrust maneuver when she should have been holding still, resulting in the very forceful impact of above mentioned hook like appendage against a certain bone like area in my neither regions. Several agonizing minutes later, when I asked if I could get him anything, like an ice pack, I was told, No, thank you, I think you've done enough.

Now if situations like this where every once in a while I wouldnt have given it second though. It was however, after dislocating somebodys shoulder while administering a very specific maneuver that requires excellent oral abilities, that I decided to take a step back from my situation and reexamine my past sexual encounters to see if I noticed a pattern forming. There was. So with a new grasp on the situation I decided to be more careful in my encounters and to take the necessary precautions, such as, setting 911 to the speed dial, keeping a first aid kit with the condoms, and requiring proof of insurance before committing to a sexual relationship, never realizing that these practices where not everyday occurrences and for most people unnecessary.

Now even though i was taking every necessary safety precaution I failed to realize that my mouth was just as dangerous as the rest of me. Example-- I allowed myself to be picked up one night by a member of the armed forces, a Army man to be exact, (see chapter nine). He took me to this little hotel somewhere close by and neither of us having any qualms about what we where there for proceeded to get down to business. Everything was going fine until he removed his boxers and insinuated in not so subtle manner that I really looked like I wanted to give him some oral gratification. Normally this is not a problem, something that I enjoy doing even, but i do have my standards, after all it is MY mouth. It wasnt so much the blunt nature of his request that put me off; it was the appearance of his ahhh....manhood...that gave me pause. He was uncircumcised. And having never seen one before, I decided that it was unnatural looking thing and there was no way I was putting it in my mouth. When he inquired as to my hesitation, with out thinking, I relayed my thoughts on the matter, never realizing that he might take offence to being told his appendage was creepy looking and it was going no where near any of my orifices. Inside of about 3 minutes I was left alone in a seedy motel wearing nothing but a look of bewilderment on my face. This particular situation I can only blame myself.

It was after relaying several of these incidents to a good friend of mine that I realized that I was dangerous, deadly, hazardous even and if I had any compassion for mankind what so ever I would remove myself from the dating scene all together, saving countless lives and who knows how many psyches. Unlike the Black Widows and the Praying Mantis who have the decency to put their pray out of their misery after copulation, I leave in my wake a trail of maimed, injured, and/or emotionally scared men. Exampleone former lover, or victim depending on how you look at it, informed me the other day that he still cant perform a certain position with out thinking of me, the accident and losing his erection. These incidents are becoming crushing blows to my ego and enforcing the fact that its incredible hard to get a date if men are scared of you.

However, through the years and many sexual experiences later Ive learned three valuable lessons. Number one, if you apply constant pressure to a wound the bleeding will stop, number 2, never participate in any sexual escapade where the positions require a diagram and an instructional video and most importantly, number three, never sleep with anybody who doesnt have a sense of humor. Because God knows, after one night with me, theyre gonna need it.