Bad Butt Sex, Yeah, It's Crap

For one reason or another, the topic of butt sex has come up in several of my conversations with a multitude of different people, so due to the frequency of the conversations I feel that it is worth a blog, maybe two. It would seem that butt sex has a bad rap. And doesn’t really have an advocator. So, let me be the voice for good butt sex. When done right this can be a magical and intense experience that can not only bind you and your significant other together, but can bring porn star satisfaction to your sex life, however, if not done properly then it can be a horrendous and traumatizing experience that can quite literally scar a person for life.
Now, I am by no means an authority on the topic, nor have I engaged in any butt sex in quite some time, (please see previous blog) but the few experience I have had with it, have left a good taste in my mouth, so to speak. I think that perhaps most women have a fearful and disgusted attitude about this because their men aren’t really doing it properly. And I’m going to say it, us ladies are partly to blame. Let’s look at the nature of man. They have a tendency to just dive right into things, not really knowing what they are doing. If they wont stop and read the directions when putting the entertainment center together what makes you think they are going to do any research in the proper execution of an act that requites great patience and tenderness? That’s obviously a rhetorical question. Now in all fairness, perhaps you have not done your research either. You are relying on horror stories from your girl friends, or even more horrifying stories from your gay friends, possible involving toilet paper rolls and gerbils (will blog on that later).
To properly execute this act there are several key things and items involved, and they can not be substituted or forgotten. They are as follows:
1. Lube- the neither regions, unlike your front butt do not produce any lubrication on their own. Trust me on this, you will want lubrication there. Otherwise it will feel like he is trying to park a 747 in a very dry…and very tight air hanger. A good over the counter lubrication will suffice, such as Astro Glide, or my personal favorite KY, in the tube. If you’re a first timer, I would suggest making the monetary sacrifice and purchasing some Anal Eeze, which has an active numbing agent. This will dull the very very sensitive nerve ending’s around the opening making penetration less painful. Though please remember, if this is done right, pain will be at a minimum and sometimes…a little pain is ok.
2. Size and Frequency- yes, for this particular sexual act, size really does matter, well in all honesty size always matters regardless of what type of sex you are having, but in this instance bigger is not always better. Now the definition of big here is subjective. However things you should know-Your butt hole does not have the natural elaxasticity of your front butt. If a to big something or other is inserted to many times, it’s not going back to its original size. Then one encounters the problems of anal leakage, hemorrhoids, tearing and constipation. It is my personal opinion that if you can compare your mans love stick to the size of a horse or any other large animal then this is not for you. I also feel that butt sex should be reserved for special occasion. I.e. anniversary, birthdays, celebrating a job promotion you get the picture. Part of the appeal of butt sex and thus the turn on is that is still considered somewhat taboo. It’s not taboo if your doing it all the time.
3. Make room- before hand you need to have a bowel movement. This is self explanatory and if you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say bowel movement, then please see your doctor…immediately.
4. Condoms and Hygiene- Regardless of how many kiddies you drop off at the pool there is always the chance that fecal matter will stay in the canal. Due to health hazards and the very real opportunity of a mood killer your man should always wear a condom. Especially if he is intending on performing a double header, (no pun intended). If fecal matter winds up in your front butt it can cause infections of a very serious type nature. Then resulting to a trip to your local OBGYN and an uncomfortable conversation.
5. Pre Game- to get the full enjoyment of this act there needs to be a certain amount of pre game. One should enjoy foreplay as one normally does; if he dines locally at the pink taco, then let him, if he prefers a more hands on approach, let him. Let him drive you wild and get you hot and panting. This will work out very well for you later on. You will most likely be nervous and as we all know, increased arousal release endorphins that dull pain. If however the shocker is not part of your normal pre-game show, then it should be incorporated now. You need to get used to the feeling of having something put in there where usually things are coming out. This does not mean however that he should just shove his finger up there unmerciful and wiggle it around like he’s digging for gold. He should make the transition smoothly and very slowly.
6. Assume the position- the proper positioning for the act is really a matter of personal taste. However, it is my opinion that doggie style is the best possible position. Not only does it give the man room to see what he is doing, it also gives the women much needed control.
7. Patience and time- Now this is where it gets tricky and we seem to loose the men. Forgive me if the following section is crass and/or lewd, but in all honesty if your actually reading this blog then there really is no reason for me to mince words. You should be on your hands and knees, he should be applying lube to your person and to his fingers. Yes, that’s right I said fingers. Then there should be an insertion of a single digit. All stop. Get used to it. Ladies, this is your show, remember you are calling the shots. If it’s to much tell him. If you like it, tell him. After several agonizing minutes (in a good way), there should be a withdraw and then another insertion, several times. When your ready to advance, have him repeat with two. All stop. Again get used to it. There is no need to rush. You may notice heavy breathing on his part, and constant inquirers to your well being assuming he’s not a douche bag. After several minutes, your body should be accustomed to the invasion. But take your time, it’s different for everybody. When your ready there should be a constant insertion and withdrawal alternating between one and two fingers. Though, if you can and want it, let him go up to three. Gently, and with great patience he should systematically be kneading and expanding your tater hole. After a while, and you ladies will only know what a while is, and if he is doing it properly, you should be over your initial fear and well, it should be feeling very…very good. When you think your ready it’s time to move on the main event.
8.Back that Ass up- the reason I suggested doggie style is mostly because it gives the women all the control. Because quite frankly now matter how small his dick is, it will or should always be bigger than his fingers. When your ready, he should remove his digits and place (again crassness, forgive me) the head of his dick against your person. Now very slowly back up on it. It may take a little pressure as the head is usually larger than the shaft. After the head has made it through the very constricting sphincter, and this is what causes all the pain, stop. Get used to it. You will again probably note heavy breathing and inquires into your health and well being. When your ready, keep backing up the train. Go slowly, be gentle, because in all frankness if one where to just throw caution to the wind and just shove oneself down on his very sensitive member, it can hurt him to. When he is fully encompassed, (if you don’t know what I mean please ask a friend that can translate subtle sexual innuendo) all stop. Again get used to it. When your ready its time to hand over the reigns. Let him withdrawal, slowly, I can not emphasize this enough. Insert and remove. Rinse lather and repeat. You should by now have caught on. When your ready, and by ready I mean being driven wild, fingers clenching and unclenching at the sheets, sweat dripping off you and your channeling Jenna Jamison, than have at it. Just please, please remember that no matter how good it feels, it does not mean he should loose control or you’ll should go all crazy and starting randomly inserting any thing and everything up in there.
I am not delusional enough to believe that this one blog, no matter how detailed and explicit it may be, will change everyone’s opinion on the topic. You may have tried it, and its just not to your liking. That’s fine, all things are not for all people. And everyone women at one time or another has had a very bad experience with it, and it may have ruined it for you for all time. Because in all honestly nothing is worse than bad butt sex. It’s crap. But I hope, that by bringing it out into the open, and laying it all out there, I may have shed some light on what can be a very dark (and narrow) subject. And perhaps, there will be one women, somewhere, who is willing to give it another go and experience all the pleasure that good butt sex can bring.