Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Sarah Connors Machine

I've been lifting weights now at the gym for about 3 months and the results have been absolutely outstanding. Last month alone from lifting 3 times a week for an hour and half plus 2 hours of cardio I lost 3 inches. That doesn’t seem like a lot…but it is. Then add to that the 5 inches of muscle I gained over all…and well yeah I’m a sculpted super hottie. So like I said, for the past 3 months or so I’ve been lifting on a very specific circuit. Rather a set of machines designed to sculpt, build and tone your entire body. A set of 12 to be exact. It succeeded in giving me a very good foundation of muscle to build on. Some slight toning if you will, and you could definitely ask me which way to the beach (insert obvious flexing here).
That circuit was an 8 week program and after graduation it was time to move up stairs. Were the big boys play. And by big boys I mean all the free weights (ergo hot men), and all the rest of the weight machines. I was excited. With the help of my gym bitch, we constructed a finely tuned work out plan to utilize all the muscle I had started building down stairs. Utilize and make them bigger; well that was my goal. I think the gym bitch’s goal was just to make them hurt. So far we’ve each reached our target. Him more so than me. But I’m not complaining…well at least not very loud. It’s a good hurt. And if you’ve ever lifted before you’ll know what I mean. There’s a feeling, a slight burning, then a straining and it hurts but it feels so good. Your muscles ache and your tired but you feel like you’ve just taken on the world, and could do it again. All in that simple and controlled motion of lifting and lowering. There’s nothing like it, nothing that will make you feel as empowered or in control. However if you feel anything other than these things such as an acid like burn feeling or actual pain, well take my word on this you’ve hurt something.
So feeling this way about all the machines it is oddly the only machine out of the group that is not really a machine at all, that I love the most. It’s called the assisted chin dip, or pull up. It’s a system of weights and levers that acts as a counter balance so that you can do pull ups and triceps curls. That’s it. No bells and whistles. Just a little platform you kneel on while you use the bar to pull yourself up. It has been dubbed the Sarah Connors machine (please see Terminator) because while I’m doing those 2 sets of 10 I feel like the sexiest woman alive. A complete and total bad ass. And yeah, hell yeah I watch myself in the mirror while I do it.
With out shame I roll my sleeves up to my shoulders and watch my arms as I pull my self up. The muscle bulges and you can see in that one simple act all of the hard work, sweat, and tears (yes I cried once) of the past 4 months. In that bulging muscle you see dedication, and commitment personified. You see strength and power and the challenge of keeping it and building on it.
As I lower myself back down with a firm and controlled motion, I feel the muscles in my upper back and lats stretch and strain, building, expanding, making me stronger. And it hurts. But I enjoy it, it makes me go faster so I pull myself back up my eyes on my protruding biceps, feeling the muscle roll and come together under my skin. I feel more of a woman in that moment, in that intake of breath as I lift myself, sweat rolling down my face, straining to bring myself to the top, the muscles screaming…bulging, than any other moment in my life.
Then I resist the urge to kiss it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

What the Problem is...

So I had some time , along with a couple of beers, and I've realized what the problem is with my dating life. The problem apparently is that I have standards and I'm not supposed to based on the way I look. I've come to the conclusion that these men who are talking to must think that because I'm chunky that I am 1 desperate and 2 have no self esteem. Apparently big girls are not supposed to feel good about themselves or know how outfuckingstanding we are. We are supposed to take what ever we can get and be grateful.
So what the guy is a douche bag who has poor personal hygene, is self absorbed and only cares about getting his dick wet. Hey at least I'm getting some right? At least I have somebody to come home to. So I'm going to pass on that.
I'd rather be by myself and go through a string of horrible dates than settle for someone that I know will never appreciate everything that I am bringing to the table. I did that for 3 years. I will never ever settle for anything less than I deserve again.
However, things that I am learning:
1. Red flags. I never really understood the concept of red or warning flags before. And they have been surprisingly hard for me to identify. If you know me at all then you know I am unusual perceptive but not when it comes to things of this nature. However I am trying to be aware of any unusual behavior, poor character traits or obvious warning's.
2. I do not have to like every man I meet. This one has been tough too. I generaly like people and it's rare to find some one that I can't get along with. But every man that I come in contact with I do not have to date....well at least more than once.
3. I'm learning exactly how much I gave up when I was with Tim. I am learning how outstanding I am as a person, and as a woman. I am learning not everyone is like me. I am learning that I am special.
4. I am learning what matters to me in a partner and the things that do not.
5. I think the most important thing I am learning is that just because the man is not my husband does not mean he is not an asshole.

So I had all this in mind when I recently received an invitation to go to a movie with a man who will not call me and ask me out because he has a stutter and prefers to only communicate via email or txt. His stutter is so pronounced he says he generally doesn't talk around people, specifically woman. Ahh communitcation is a big deal to me so I'm going to decline.
Thank God I've come to the end of line. I have no more prospects in the foreseeable future. Under normal circumstance I would go out with him for the movie and just to see what would happen. I'm kind of scared to, and I really...really need a break.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Dating Post Truatmatic Stress Disorder

So I've decided that I am suffering from a rare physiological condition called Dating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, here after refereed to as DPTSD. Original, yes I know. I came to this conclusion while driving to yet another date. And I wanted to blog about this while it was still fresh in my mind.
I was supposed to meet eligible bachelor number ..what ??? 11 or something I think. I've lost count, at 7. I realized at 5:30 that I had not showered, had only about 50 mins to get ready for the date and didnt really want to stop doing what I was doing on the computer. Which was looking at porn. But along with this realization was that it was waaayyyy to close to cancel. So with out any excitement, anticipation, with mild irritation and yes slight resentment I got ready for my date. I was late. I am never late. This is how much I didn't want to go on this date. I should have gone with my gut.
I pulled up into the restaurant parking lot and recognized him immediately even though I had only seen one pic. A close up of his face. This was mostly why I was less than enthused about this date. He was a big boy. A fattie. I can say this because I am fat myself. However, I am not a fattie. I could fit in the booth. He could not. But I put on my best I am not a shallow bitch face and though hey, he probably has a great personality (we usually do) I'll give him a chance. Here is a dramatization of how the evening progressed.

Him:blah blah blah my job, my job, my money, I'm a total bad ass and I'm trying to impress you by telling you that I used to bungee jump and do extreme sports when I was younger.
Me:....sips on Margarita
Him:blah blah blah this is all about me and I'm not going to take the time to ask a single question about you instead, i'm going to spend my time continuously talking about myself hoping that I'll impress you with my life style and money because I couldn't fit in the booth and am embarrassed by it.
Me:....sips on Margarita
Him: blah blah blah so I just got out of a 7 year relationship about 3 weeks ago.
Me: (interrupts) OH? wow....3 weeks ago. So what made you want to start dating again?
Him: well I have several reason for wanting to jump right back into the dating scene again.
Me: Ok What are your top five then?
Him:Well the first is I would like to find people to hang out with that don't know about me or my situation so I don't have to talk about the break up.
Him:secondly, I haven't had sex in a year and I would like to find somebody I could be intimate with.
Him: oh, I like companionship and all that other crap to.
Me:...sips Margarita
insert awkward silence here while he passes up yet another opportunity to take an interest in me.
Me: So...your not really looking for anything serious then?
Him: Oh well just whatever happens happens, if something serious comes out of it then great. If not then well (and he looks me dead in the eye) then there's plenty more where they came from.
Me:.....riight. Excuse me..I need to go to the bathroom.
Me in the bathroom: txting...omg Andy..can you talk? I would like to say that this is the first time I have ever thought about faking an emergency so that I would be able to leave in the middle of a date.
No one answers their phone so I return to the table. He has paid the bill and is working on his 7th screw driver.

Him: so you wanna get out of here and go to Starbucks.
Me:ahh no. No I don't.
Him: oh. Ok, well you wanna go take a walk?
Me: um..dude, It's pouring down rain. So that's looking like no.
Him: Well you want to come back to my place and I'll give you a back rub?
Me:........so I'm gonna pass on that.
Him: ok well, I had a great time. I really hope we can do this again. You have my number, use it.
Me.:.....ok well thank's for dinner, the food was good.

At this point in time we finally make it out to the parking lot were he proceeds to attempt to walk me to the car. I cut him off with a firm handshake and a have a good night. Needless to say I will not be calling.

Not the worse date I've been on. But certainly not the best. Though comparatively speaking I guess it was pretty decent, ahh please see previous blog. Seriously, who says come back to my place for a back rub? Why sure... only if you promise to have cheap meaningless sex with me and give me herpes to really round out the experience. Right. I think by now I've had so many bad/ridiculous experiences with men and dating that I'm not even fazed by it anymore. I've become victim to some type of DPTSD. I'm pretty sure of it. I just have to work out all the details. And I think for a while. I really need to stop dating.

side note...I'm sitting in Denny's writing this on my lap top. I wonder if all these people know they are in the presence of greatness??....probably not.

The Forbidden Blog

Well it's official as of 11 am yesterday morning I was finally able to rejoin the land of the living. I purchased my very own lap top (it's a Sony..white and from a distance if you don't look to hard at it it could totally be a Mac) as well as a wireless card. Now I can connect to the Internet any where. This purchase was officially for school. I'm going back to school full time in Aug and 2 of my classes are online. Because I'm working full time and don't have Internet service at the house and my very hectic schedule a lap top was an obvious necessity. Specifically one with wireless capabilities. Which this has..obviously I'm blogging.
So now with the Internet available at my finger tips on a moments notice I'm not reduced to stealing the Internet from work, constantly looking over my shoulder, minimizing at the smallest noise. It was like I was writing a forbidden blog. Huh....slight twinge of nostalgia though, forbidden is always better.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


So the Muslim courier just told me that God wants me to stop dating.
But she offered to help my mother with an arranged marriage. Apparently they are tricky to set up.

Monday, July 20, 2009

6 Laps

Well as usual I had quite the weekend. Um I'd like to say for the record it sucks ass being DD on somebodies birthday. Specifically it sucks ass being sober in a bar. People are retarded. I would also like to say that I had a date, that did not go well. In fact at some point said person will probably be checking this blog to see if I mentioned it. I did, just now. No I am not going to go in to detail other than to say that it will be filed away under the wtf section of my dating life. Which is the whole purpose of this blog. I'd like to mention that I composed this in my head last night while doing my laps in the pool. You can get a lot done in six laps.
The first conclusion that I came to is that swimming is a wonderful stress relief. The water envelopes you in a way that is comforting and sure. It feels wonderful to glide through such coolness, feeling the water flow over your skin or the way your skin looks and your muscles feel as you are propelled through the water. Then there is the the breathing. In and Out. In. Out. When you get in that zone, when there is nothing left but you and your breathing (so you don't drown) it is one of the most calming exercises a person can do. And then, when you get the motion down you can let your body take over and your mind is free to wander. As long as you don't forget to breath. Trust me on this.
The second conclusion that I came to was that my dating life is ridiculous. Seriously. I don't know what I'm doing to attract these type of men. When I say "these type of men" I don't really know what to call them...crazies is a little to harsh I think. I would say just plain ridiculous, and not in a good way. There was the guy who had an anger problem -in the middle of our date he flipped the fuck out on some woman who parked to close to his car-, then the guy who made me do math, and the indecisive manic depressive who would get drunk and email me wonderful letters about how great I am blah blah blah then sober up and send a recant email saying we shouldn't see each other any more. There was the vacuum salesman/drug dealer. Yeah...seriously. People surprise me sometimes. Then the guy who fabricated a whole career ...and probably a shit ton of other essential things..like his entire life story. Then there was the most boring man alive...and now the newest addition. The man who asked me not to blog about him. We see how that's turning out.
Then came the third realization. That really shitty date didn't upset me as much as it probable should have. In retrospect it was crap. But I wasn't that upset. In fact, I went ahead and took myself to see the movie we were going to go see together. Ahh Harry Potter was outstanding by the way. And afterward had a frosty. Vanilla. What does bother me though is that it didn't bother me. I think I'm getting acclimated to the crazy.
The last realizations was I kinda like it. Usually after I calm down, look back with hindsight and change my telephone number my life cracks me up. I am forever getting involved in totally ridiculous experiences (note to self find another word other than ridiculous). And I learn from them, not all the time, but for the most part, though If nothing else, they give me great blog fodder and storytelling oppuritunity.
I also realized, while I sat in the whirl pool at the gym, that I date a lot. Now..if I can only make it past the first one...

Friday, July 17, 2009


Things of note:

Right now, I'm bored as crap. And I'm living on the edge being the net right now. I wonder if anyone is watching me. Prob not. I'm alone in the lab, however, the mass email we got the other day said that someone is always watching. Dear Big Brother...suck it.

Random happenings-This week the processor managed to include me in a blood exposure. Nice. In all fairness, the tubes really shouldn't be rubber banded together. I thought it was funny though that when the red top exploded (I'm still not sure how that happened) it landed everywhere but on my gloved hands. Blood splatter is a bitch to clean up by the way.

Other happening's of note- I have a date on Sunday. Yes...a real one. No we do not want to talk about it. Not yet...but keep your fingers crossed.

Um..that's about it I think, Nothing really eventful. Thank God. I could use a couple weeks of absolutely nothing random happening to me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I feel like I need to Bitch...

I don't particularly feel like complaining, but one thing I've noticed is that if I let it build up over a couple of days then it tends to find alternate ways of manifesting it's self...and then I get called into my supervisor's office and have to explain why I allegedly tried to kill a co worker with Splenda.

Things that are bothering me. By Shannon Nguyen.

1. It is really bothering me that I just found out that somebody that I work with accused me of mislabeling a specimen and having a coworker take the fall for me. Um..this never happened. I have NEVER mislabeled a specimen. And on the off chance that that would happen I would never EVER ask somebody else to take the fall for me. It is bothering me that this happened about 2 months ago and no body told me and it's bothering me that this is the same coworker who accused me of trying to use her allergy to Splenda as a means to kill her....I'm not motivated enough to formulate a plan that would involve the use of a phsycosmaytic allergy and random artificial sweeteners.

2. I'm getting really fucking tired of playing the "what do you think this says" game. Doctors, you all have the handwriting of a serial killer. And it concerns me that you can't even write your own name legible across the top of your lab req. Confidence this does not make. Pay attention to your nurses, notice how they use the writing utensil. Try and do that to.

3. Could somebody please explain to Client Services what there job is, and find out why they seem to think they get to stop doing it at 4 o'clock?

4. Note to self, find someone who speaks stupid and get them to explain to the phelb who keeps drawing a sst for the cbc and cbca's her Doctor is ordering that I can't run that test off that tube, that would be great. I'm getting really tired of Aprobing her shit.

.....23 Jul 2009 So i just found this draft...um I'm not mad any more but thought I would go ahead and post this because I don't have anything to bitch about today. Enjoy!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Yes, I may be lame...Not

Ok so I am following my self ...on my own blog. I am my biggest fan. It is completely normal that I will be leaving comments on my own blogs, telling myself how great I am, how funny and how everybody wants to know me. Perhaps I'll throw in some spirit fingers, a personalized calender with photo's taken of me doing random things and a t shirt with a giant heart with my face in it and voila...my own fan club. Hell's yeah.

side note..apparently (and this is from my co workers) I am so great, that I have to be completely ignored sometimes so that my total outstandingness doesn't overwhelm them. I guess by sometimes they mean every day...all the time.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This is not what it looks like...

So what a day what a day...my shift is almost over (yes, I'm at work..on the computer) and I think I'm gonna have to head over to the local watering whole and get a drink before I head off to the gym. Not that today has been a bad day mind you, rather a eventful one. The other processor freaked out after we were all exposed to active TB...never mind the fact we work in the lab...and are exposed to a lot more nasty things and have this very convenient thing called an immune system. Or the fact that I'm using the word exposed here loosely. Then the swab with the swine flu...yes yes yes. I'm so over the fucking swine flu. Get your flu shot and drink OJ and you'll be ok. However, random happening of note...we all decided to donate a tube of blood so that the main lab can calibrate the machines they use to run the PTI for the cancer patients. However we decided do do this after all the Phelbs had left for the day. So there I am, with only a theoretical knowledge of phlebotomy being guided by the processor (ahh this is only my third draw but I'd like to say for the record that until I drew the micro processor I was 2 and 0) sweating bullets because I know how much she hates blood, specifically getting it drawn, gloved up and wrestling with the butterfly package. Micro is sitting there, tourniquet wrapped, utalizing a physiological skill called self talk (will blog on that later) . As I'm about to stick the needle through her skin it just so happens that one of the live patient register's comes into the room. I stop, needle poised as a bead of sweat runs off my for head, down my nose and onto Micro's arm, contaminating the area. The registrar then queried with a look of confusion and asked what we were doing. Nothing, I replied. Your doing something, she said. Standing up, wiping the sweat away all I could say was.."ok, this is not what it looks like."