Friday, December 25, 2009

She's Back.

Well it's been a long time. I know, it's ok I'm here now. Though I've prob lost most of my "fans" hopefully it will only take one or two well written and as always witty blogs to bring them back. Unfortunately for the past several months I have been unable to blog, primarily because every free moment was doing school work, and since the random and ridiculous things only happen in my free moments,I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. I'm going to be working on a new installment to my relationship urban legends series, that went over well on my myspace and its something I enjoy writing about. So look for it soon!!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Lock and Load

OK. So here's the most recent Eng essay. Hope everyone enjoys...and shout out to Kate for all her help during the rewrite !!!

Shannon Hayes
R. Hanoka
Eng 112/12
18 September 2009

Lock and Load: Second Amendment Rights to the Constitution

“A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” (United States Constitution: Bill of Rights) This is probably the most quoted and misquoted line in the United State Constitution, second only to the First Amendment. These words are etched in stone on the headquarters of the National Rifle Association and in the hearts of the American people. The statement gives freedom but comes with restrictions. For example, guns are not allowed to be carried on federal or school property. In addition, one must have a permit to carry a concealed weapon in Virginia, or to carry at all in some states. There exists a laundry list of restrictions and requirements allowing and barring the average John Q. Public from possessing a firearm. However, because of the ambiguous nature of our country’s constitution and recent events such as the Columbine and Virginia Tech shootings, it stands to reason that the American public would clutch even more tightly to whatever will give them the right to defend themselves and their loved ones. Because of said nature, the Amendment allows for a much heated debate. It poses the question: are student’s constitutional rights being violated by banning the possession of firearms on campus if they feel the need for self-protection? To answer this question one would have to accept two very specific ideologies as fact; namely, that the Second Amendment does in fact give citizens the right to bear arms and that the right is subjected to limitation (i.e. only in the defense for the state or one’s self while engaged in any action that would be in direct assistance to the nation). For the sake of this discussion, both assumptions are accepted. Therefore, it is a direct violation of the Second Amendment to deny any person, student or otherwise, the right to have access to a firearm in the case where there is an apparent and legitimate threat to the security of a person’s life by way of oppression of the liberties guaranteed to them by the United States Constitution.
Regardless of whether one is in agreement or not with the private possession of firearms there is one aspect of this that is not open for debate. The Constitution does make some guarantees, and states specifically that the American people have the right to “keep and bear arms.” Thomas Jefferson may have deemed that “…all men are created equal” (Declaration of Independence) it does not mean that they were all born with the knowledge of how to use a firearm and the maturity to handle one. This is why there exist so many restrictions upon this particular civil right. The fact that the U.S. Constitution gives us the ability to defend ourselves is just one small aspect of what makes America a nation of freedom and opportunity. Rather it is the applicable times and places of the amendment that cause such discord among the public, not the motives of individuals or the individuals themselves.
The right of the state to be able to form a militia and defend itself is perhaps one of the greatest liberties that our Founding Fathers gave to us while crafting the Constitution of our government. It is one that sets us apart from almost every other nation on earth. Yet the awkward verbiage gives us the sword to defend ourselves while cutting the very hand that wields it. Often we find that some will take advantage of that murky wording to suit their own needs, or worse, to justify actions bred from fear and ignorance. Thus, the argument that a student should be allowed to carry a firearm on campus if he or she is in fear for his or her life is just one of the many questions this debate raises, yet there are additional issues that should be addressed before discussing the assumed violation of civil rights. Just what exactly is the student in fear of? Is it another student or is he afraid that his school and consequently his life will be over thrown by terrorists? Why hasn’t the school stepped in to intervene on behalf of this student? Frankly, unless the student is an active and on duty member of law enforcement, military police, or perhaps a Minuteman left over from the American Revolutionary War, there is absolutely no need for students to carry a weapon on campus and by allowing it, it is no longer fulfilling a civil right unless said student is defending himself against tyrannical opposition and oppression. Consenting to anything less is gratuitous, and by doing so, it cuts into the authority and validity with which officers of the law are bestowed based upon the United States Constitution, the states' Bill of Rights, and the consent of the people of our nation. Ironically, it is the government’s attempt to compromise on the original intent of the amendment written by the Founding Fathers that causes a row to begin with. However, by denying the student all accessibility to a weapon should the need arise the school would be in direct violation of the Constitution. Perhaps a better solution would be to keep in place the strict policies regarding carrying a weapon on one’s person and redefining the accessibility of a weapon to a citizen in a public or federal venue at times of crisis.
Each state called for a ratification of the Constitution, not surprisingly, resulting in the crafting of the Bill of Rights and giving us the oh-so-vague Second Amendment. Both Virginia and North Carolina asked, “that the people have the right to keep and bear arms; that a well regulated militia composed of the body of the people trained to arms is the proper, natural and safe defense of a free state."(The Right to Keep and Bear Arms) The Virginia Bill of rights goes on to say, “That a well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state; that standing armies, in time of peace, should be avoided, as dangerous to liberty; and that, in all cases, the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power.”( 42-Virginia Bill of Rights) One will notice that with each mention of the people’s right it is yoked to the necessity of a militia. There is no free standing clause or amendment stating that the people have the right to possess weapons merely for the sake of owning them.
The right that the Second Amendment gives citizens to keep and bear arms is part of the foundation that sets Americans apart from the rest of the world. Our Constitution not only gives us the right to defend ourselves, but the responsibility to pick up those arms in the face of tyranny and oppression; oppression of ourselves and of others and to overthrow it if need be. This constitutional amendment built a nation of people that possess a unique sense of justice, safety, and independence. It offers security in knowing that no matter where we are, be it work, home, or even school should the need arise we are able to rally and defend ourselves, not remain helpless in the face of oppression but be a nation of action against it.
Word Count: 1,328
Hatch, Orrin G. Senator. The Right to Keep and Bear Arms. Washington 1982. Retrieved 17 September 2009.

Hatch, Orrin G. Senator. The Right to Keep and Bear Arms. Washington 1982. 42. Id. At 1030 Retrieved 17 September 2009.

Untied States Constitution: Bill of Rights. September 17, 1787. Retrieved 17 September 2009.

Virginia Bill of Rights. June 12, 1776. Retrieved 17 September 2009.

Jefferson, Thomas. Declaration of Independence. June 28, 1776. Retrieved 17 September 2009.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

No time.

Ok So I have no time, I'm supposed to be working on a 5 page paper for Eng due on Sunday, studying for a biology test on Sat, reading chapter 5 in my hippy-how-to be happy book, Chapter 6 in Psych class and working on my behavior modification project. I've decided I'm not going to be able to blog other than to put up my Eng essays I'm writing which ironically the first one was based off a blog i wrote. Hmm I wonder, if I can use myself as a source for any future papers. Lmao, I'll just have to remember to cite myself accurately in the body of my text.

Any ways, here ya go:

Stupidity Should be Painful

After working with the public for several years I have come to three conclusions: First stupidity should be painful, second there needs to be an amendment to the constitution stating this, and thirdly, if it did in fact cause physical pain to one’s person then eventually people would stop being stupid. Though I am loathe to ask for yet another committee to be spear headed by our federal government, I feel that in this particular instance (mostly for the funding) that a committee of intellectuals and the like should come together so that there is some type of supervision over the actual implication of the Stupidity Should be Painful Program. Each person would go to a local testing facility and submit to various tests to check their level of stupidity. If found that they are only moderately stupid, i.e. prone to ridiculous or asinine behavior in small isolated instances then they can be monitored by remote access through one of the many Remote Viewing Centers that will be put in place. Monitored and equipped with a small device that must be worn on their person at all times, they would receive an electric shock when they engage in any behavior that the committee has deemed stupid. These Remote Viewing Centers would serve a dual purpose, acting as both a monitor and call center, giving a civilian the constitutional right to call in if they in fact witness a person committing a potential stupidity violation. At which time, a formal investigation would commence and if the person was indeed found guilty of being stupid, the penalty would be delivered quickly and harshly, after first making the person watch a dramatization of their violation so that they understand exactly why they are being punished.

If, however, a person was found to test positive for chronic stupidity, steps would be taken to reduce the impact that they would have on society and other non-stupid people in general. At this level of stupidity it would be fairly safe to assume that they would need almost constant supervision such as, a personal Stupidity Monitor. Someone who would follow them around so that when an act of stupidity is occurring the Monitor would simply hit them with the approved punishment device (possibly a cane or a 2x4) thusly creating the desired Pavlovian response. Furthermore, their driving licenses would be revoked (as this seems to be the time when most people become stupid), their license to breed would be suspended, they would be required/forced to attend weekly re-education camps and counseling, and their family and loved ones would be given access to pamphlets on coping with a chronically stupid person as well as the choice to meet with a weekly support group. It is my belief that if these steps were to be taken, we might one day live in a world where bad driving, reality TV. , and Scientology were things of the past, and stupidity, which is already painful for everyone else, will finally start affecting the people that it should.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

"The Picture", chat rooms and yet another reason why Stupidty should be painful.

So I posted a new pic, I call it my artsy I'm to close the camera picture. I was actually dicking around on my lap top last weekend, (ahh i was supposed to be doing homework, which is the major reason I've not blogged in quite a while. It would seem that school has systematicaly eroded away everything social about my life, specifcaly my Biology class. It's overwhelming me. No shit, I spend close to 15 hours a week just on this one class. Luckely I didnt really have much of a social life to begin with, however, there are my simple pleasures, my joys if you will. I like going to the movies, out to dinner, the book store what have you, and since I'm usualy alone when I do these things this is how I have so much random crap happen to me and by extension something to blog about. No more free time means no more outings means no more random happenings means no more blogs. Yeah...I know, I know. I think its crap to0!) So I'm taking a break from guessed it...Bio homework and I was playing with my new computer and discovered the web cam feature!!!
Now I've never had a web cam before, and I was seriously tempted to get online and get up to no good, but my responisable and mauture nature kept me from doing any thing rash, (honestly, who am i kidding, I have shit connection out here and the view my web cam feature on yahoo wouldnt connect. Probably a good thing) I was feeling perticulary fiesty that day, as well as super hot and for some reason really skinny so I started playing in front of the web cam and snapping pictures. All I needed was Right Said Fred belting in the back ground and my narcissism knows no bounds. So I took this pic of me leaning over the computer while I was reading something I had pulled up on google. I was wearing a tank top and my pajama shorts, no make up and because I have side bangs, my hair was covering one of my eyes...apparently very Jessica Rabbit. was apparently a hot pic. I thought I looked sexy and confident, (which I am) and I was pretty sure the picture was sexy, scandalous even, but nothing more. I was wearing a tank top for christ's sake. In essence I loved the pic and wanted everyone to see it. So naturally I posted it on my Facebook.
My bff emailed me the next morning, telling me the pic was skanky, and since I'm not, perhaps I should considered taking it down. I disagreed, as I am want to do when someone is telling me something of importance, and went about my business. However, becasue she is the bff and I value her opinion so much, I did think about it. So I polled the audiance. Results were mixed. The other bff loved the pic as well as most of the younger girls at work, however the older women, didn't really care for it. Interesting. I decided to take it a step further. I posted it as my profile picture on yahoo and then hit the chat rooms. The results were shocking.
I have never in my life been propestioned for cheap meaningless sex with so many people! I was like hell yes. But of course I wouldn't actualy do it. As the bff stated above, I'm not a skank. However, i kept a little mental note of the conversations and I noticed a distant theme emmentating from them. All the men wanted to know how old I was, (ahh i did look REALLY young in the pic..I don't know what that was about) what I was looking for and when I told them (nothing) they would either complement me prfousley or get mad at me. One man even went so far as to call me the C word. Ahhh starts with a c....ends with unt. Sounds like Cunt. And then threatened to have me booted from the room and if I came back in under that screen name he would peremently delete my screen name...Now I wouldnt normaly do this...well yes I would, but this guy was an asshole and the blatent...stupidity needs to be shared and mocked. So yes...I'm going to post the conversation: indecorousbilletdoux, I changed his name to proctect...well honestly to protect the stupid. And notice how there was no hi, hello how are you.

xxxx (9/4/2009 11:33:42 PM): F'burg huh......u single and lookin?
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:34:15 PM): i'm single..i'm not looking
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:34:33 PM): your in a ROMANCE themed LOCAL chat room and your not looking? hmm
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:34:47 PM): well i'm prob not looking for the same thing u are
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:34:58 PM): so your assuming? lol
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:35:59 PM): like you said..its yahoo...yeah i'm assuming
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:36:45 PM): well then you are acknowledging that you basically know what the rooms are about so why be here? lol
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:37:23 PM): i have my reasons
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:37:48 PM): well there's only a few reason you could be here and I think you've done established its none of them so.
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:38:10 PM): what are the "few reasons"
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:38:26 PM): well most people here are either lookin for something fun or something serious.....
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:38:43 PM): oh...some people are looking for something serious..i've not met any of those people
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:38:50 PM): just the "something fun"
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:39:07 PM): well I think you should have fun before you get works that way, the other way around is kinda awkward
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:39:31 PM): I don't see nothing wrong with having that kind of fun as long as you want to have it with one person and work towards having something serious with them
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:39:45 PM): really.....thats like putting the cart before the horse
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:39:49 PM): but good luck with that
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:40:33 PM): well I'm not gettin into a relationship before I have fun, that's retarded
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:41:24 PM): yeah yeah your right...lets not get to the know the other person at all before jumping into a relationship because sex is what you base a foundation on for a lasting commenment
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:41:36 PM): commintment
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:41:40 PM): ehh which ever
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:42:20 PM): that's not retarded at all
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:42:42 PM): and I'm not calling some girl my girlfriend I just met and then having sex.....
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:43:12 PM): its called dating...and while your doing that you get to know one another
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:43:18 PM): *insert shock and awe here*
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:43:43 PM): well that makes sense......just like doing things a bit differently.....doesn't mean its wrong, I don't like stuck up girls anyhow
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:43:55 PM): r u saying i'm stuck up?
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:44:27 PM): I just catch that your too goody goody to just have some fun without thinking you've been used or somebody is just up to fuck and run
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:44:54 PM): so your saying by me choosing to not have a random cheap and meaningless sexual encounter with you i'm stuck up?
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:45:38 PM): its only random if its one time......but you keep callin it that
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:46:25 PM): i notice how u didnt focus on the cheap and meaningless part
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:46:27 PM): nice touch
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:47:17 PM): well I've been with girls where i had sex with them the first time I met them and we was together for 3 years.....I've done the whole wait a couple months and then it happens and your only together 3 months or how long you wait doesn't mean jack shit
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:47:46 PM): but its like this.....stay the hell out of rooms where you know damn well what most are about if your not about it......that's what this is really all about
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:47:55 PM): omg seriously
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:08 PM): I'm not the one in the WRONG place
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:10 PM): lmao
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:48:11 PM): this is great
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:14 PM): I'm a realist......I know what these rooms are about
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:22 PM): its about to get even more when your booted here in a few
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:48:31 PM): i told u i had various reasons for being here
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:48:39 PM): i'm not bothering u and u Pmed me
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:44 PM): oh well
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:48:45 PM): your just butt hurt bc i dont want to fuck u
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:53 PM): I never asked you to fuck m
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:48:57 PM): so don't flatter yourself cunt
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:00 PM): oooo
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:04 PM): u really put me in my place
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:49:06 PM): never came close
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:49:09 PM): just said your not here for the right reasons
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:49:13 PM): I do most
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:13 PM): "right"
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:24 PM): like u decided what right and wrong is
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:33 PM): dumb shit
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:35 PM): have fun
indecorousbilletdoux (9/4/2009 11:49:38 PM): and leave me the hell alone
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:49:51 PM): look you can keep coming back with all you want, here in about 10 minutes if your not out of here you can and will be booted, you don't like it oh well
xxxx (9/4/2009 11:50:02 PM): and if you comeback at that time then your name is gettin taken....u fuckin try me

At this point i went to the room and had a jerry springer like encounter with him. The point of the story is this...perception is everything and arguing in a chat room is like being in the special olympics, win or loose, your still retarded.

Oh. And I took the picture down.

Friday, August 28, 2009

My bad my bad

Ok so's been FOREVER since i've blogged, and I'm not even really blogging right now, I dont have time...I'm on the ass end of my lunch break...but here's a little update:

AT&T sucks balls. Yeah I said it.

The Blue screen error on your computer is not a good thing.

My Psy teacher has a mullet and it's very distracting.

I refuse to do any of the following in said Psy class: color...or volunteer.

I am a total f'ing badass.

Second week of school and I'm still alive nor have I killed any one.

Still single.

....ok well that just about sums up the past week or so. Hopefully this weekend I'll have some more time and can go into greater detail.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

AT&T and the imiginary boyfriend....

So about 3 weeks ago now I bought a lap top for school. This was imperative, a necessity if you will. I'm taking 2 classes online and 2 classes at the campus. So suffice to say I'm going to be busy busy busy what with going to school full time, working 40+ hours a week and my bustling social life. Bustling...right. Any ways, I eagerly counted the days down until I could purchase this lap top along with the wireless card that was also essential to my needs. I was so excited. No. Excited doesn't cover it. For an adequate adgitive to describe the monumental occasion of me purchasing my lap top and wireless card for school please refer to the voice message I left on the BFF's phone while she was out camping. Ridiculously exuberant springs to mind as the proper verbiage of choice. However, due to some technical difficulties I have since become deflated with the experience.
The problems is not the computer. Oooohhhhh no. The lap top is outstanding, and I would have to say that my foray into the 21st century and technology has been exciting. My computer will talk to me..and I to it. Seriously. It's incredible. I actually composed my first dictated email earlier this morning to a for mentioned BFF...but I digress. The problem is that the wireless card and Windows vista arn't compatible. Something that apparently everybody knows but no one bothered to tell me when I was purchasing this perticuler air card through AT&T. So what happens is that I'll have a good strong connection to the Internet for 5 minutes to up to three hours, then suddenly it will drop to local only and I have to restart the entire program to reconnect again. Remove the air card, close down the AT&T communication box and reinsert the air card into another USB drive and start all over again. The 3 hours yesterday was a fluke, I normally only stay connected to the Internet for about 30 minutes or so and then have to do the above mentioned procedure. Oh, I forget to mention, sometimes it helps if I hold my mouth a certain way.
Needless to say I've been trouble shooting all week with AT&T and sony to try and resolve this issue. It's still not fixed. I've had to reconnect once already just while writing this blog. This is infuriating. But there's nothing I can do about it until we go through all the work arounds for the local only problem. There's a lot. Which means I'm spending an obscene about of time on the phone with the boys at AT&T. Drew, Adam, Chad, and my personal favorite so far, Ben.
This whole process has been incredibly infuriating, frustrating and aggravating, however, I am able to see the sliver lining so to speak. That would be the fact that the tech support people will set up appointments to call me back so I don't have to call in to the the call center and go through the whole rigmarole of being on hold and speaking to half dozen different people. So this past week I have had a string of random men (all with incredibly sexy voices) call my house asking for Shannon. As I mentioned before Ben so far has been my personal favorite. We've spoken several times, (all to no avail). He is personable and friendly, and in the down time we've had while waiting for my system to reboot, or some driver to install he has discovered that I like family guy, I am going to school for pyscology, I work at the Hospital and a plethora of other little trivial facts about me. In essence- the random tech support guy from AT&T is getting to know me. I hate to admit this but the encounters with Ben, frustrating local only failure aside, have actually been the most successful interaction I've had with a man in a very long time. Except for one other instance....and you know who you are.

Wow. I'm sorry. This blog just went somewhere totally different. I actually just erased a whole paragraph describing this imaginary boyfriend that I had created. In great detail. Great...detail. And the fact that i did that, kinda scares me. I think perhaps I should just enjoy the time Ben and I have together, and maybe if I think my life is just a little to ordinary, not quite ridiculous enough then I'll stage an elaborate break up scene between me and him. A tearful farewell over the phone, then I'll get drunk and dial into the call center a couple of times. Maybe try to google earth him so i can drive up and leave a dead bird in a shoebox by his car. Hmmmm...I know he lives somewhere in the central time zone. Kate I'm going to need you to teach me how to use google earth.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Mother's Lock up your Sons

"You know Shannon, you really are going to make someone a good wife someday. Your a good cook," said Shannon's evil stepfather.

" that the only reason?" our lovable protagonist asks.

" I said...your a good cook."

Insert awkward silence here.

Pepper Spray, Breast Cancer and a Pinky Promise.

So I'm leaving work last night really really late because I had to rewrite the c drive on my brand new computer. Ahh shout out to AT&T for that...thanks for everything. So anyways, I'm leaving work and I'm talking to my friend on the phone ( mistake number one, if I've been told once, I've been told a hundred times that when your on the phone your not as aware of your surrounding's) when this guy comes from out of no where and starts hollering at me.."hey..hey girl." So I stopped, and looked and when I do that he starts jogging towards me, maybe not jogging , more like a brisk walk....lumbering...I don't know. I just know he was moving faster than me. Here I go, at 1:30 in the morning on Princess Ann Street a couple of blocks away from the No-Tell Motel in a shady part of town riddled with crime, drugs and a very ghetto Captain D's, with a very large and unfriendly looking man yelling and moving towards me. Well yeah...hell yeah I panicked. Luckily I was at my car (which I'd like to add was at the very ass end of the parking lot because I was unable to park in the front, like how I'm supposed to.) and I was able to get in and shut and lock the doors very quickly and he disappeared, to where I don't know. But it scared the shit out of me. So much so in fact that unbeknowest to my friend who was very concerned about that status of my person at the time that I sat in the car for a good 10 minutes before I stopped shaking and could pull it together enough to drive. I did not cry..primarily because I was still on the phone and but secondly because I was a little mad. I'm not exactly sure why I got so angry, I'm going to have to ponder it for a little bit, but it certainly helped me keep it together.
Moving on, my friend on the phone made me promise that today before work I would go and get some mace. I had to pinkie swear...over the phone. Yes...I totally wiggled my pinkie just like I would do in person, yes it is as retarded as it sounds and yes you are still bound by the same laws of the pinkie promise as if you where doing it in person. Which on a side note prompted a brief discussion on exactly what those laws where. We discussed briefly the magnitude of what was being asked of me, to make sure I fully understood the ramifications of my actions if I did so in fact break the pinkie promise. I did. However I broached the fact the nobody really knows just what exactly those consequences where if one did break said pinkie promise. Though they are always spoken of in very ominous overtones and there's a lot of ..."you know...yeah you know. Just don't do it." (Side bar-my curiosity got the better of me while writing this and I googled it. According to wikipedia, the pinkie promise is as follows, which I have found very disturbing. If you know me you'll know why exactly and I can state for the record the I will never..ever break a pinkie promise:

To pinky swear (in some regions referred to as the pinky promise or pinky square) is when two people entwine their pinky fingers to signify that a promise has been made. It is often seen in anime, where it is called a yubikiri (指切り Japanese for "Finger Cut-off"?).[1] It is also possible for a pinky swear to exist between 3 parties, known as a 3-way pinky promise. A pinky swear between 4 or more people is relatively unknown.

Traditionally, the pinky swear is considered binding and tantamount to a handshake in terms of sealing a deal. The pinky swear originally indicated that the person who breaks the promise must cut off their pinky finger.[2] In modern times, pinky swearing is a more informal way of sealing a promise. It is most common among school-age children and close friends. The pinky swear signifies a promise that cannot be broken or counteracted by the crossing of fingers, the "I take it back" or any similar trickery.[3] The Pinky Swear can be broken if all parties agree.

My brother however, at the time of this writing, insists that breaking the pinkie promise means that you spend an endless winter on top of a mountain in an itchy sweater. Courtsey Angry Beavers.

So I pinkie promised. And subsequently found my self at Gander Mountain trying to make a decision on exactly what type of pepper spray to get. I was bewildered at the choices I had before me. Pepper spray it would seem comes in a variety of different types each with a different delivery option and convenient yet attractive carrying case. The one I found most tempting and slightly ironic was the Breast Cancer line. Each pink cartridge came with a very tasteful pink leather key chain case monogrammed with the breast cancer ribbon. I was tempted. It's not every day I can purchase a highly corrosive fluid that will both protect my person and allow me to contribute to a good cause. However I found it impractical to my needs and opted for the slimmer, smaller Key chain Pepper Spray version that had the extra safety measures included. I know I'm going to need those. My biggest concern is that I will inadvertently wind up macing myself while driving.

Don't ask me how, but that is a very realistic concern. Those type of things happen to me.

Friday, August 7, 2009

End of the week...thank god.

OK so this has been like the longest week ever.

I just got paid and i'm already broke.

My rat ate my favorite t-shirt.

My wireless card is crap.

I've worked 3 10 hour shifts.

I gained 4 lbs.

I gained 3 and half inches.

Men suck.

And...I'm missing half my eyebrow.

That pretty much covers it.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Tequilla, a loaf of bread and phone sex...'s been a while since I've blogged. Mostly I've been busy. And just haven't had time to sit down and blog about anything, nor did I really have anything to blog about. This past week has been relatively for yet another REALLY bad date. I've decided to stop. I can't go another horrible date. It's to the point their not even funny any more; rather it's getting hard for me to keep my chin up and at least enjoy the story telling opportunity it offers. I'm deflated. I'm also tired. My social life is exhausting me. So for the first time in over a month I didn't have a date to go on this weekend. Thoughts- first I wondered how I was going to eat. I've been supplementing some of my grocery expenditures with these dates. Second, what the crap was I going to do. Well...drink was the most rational conclusion. I wound up at my friend's house drinking tequila sunrises and having a great time. I woke up the next morning in a nightgown that was packed up in a box before I left the house, a loaf of bread (I finally remembered that I got the bread from Panera where I had dinner, though why it was mushed so badly or in the middle of my floor I couldn't tell you) and the worst hangover ever. Good times.
And yeah I dont really have anything to write about phone sex. But it was a catchy little title wasnt it? However...I do get free minutes after nine. Hm.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Sarah Connors Machine

I've been lifting weights now at the gym for about 3 months and the results have been absolutely outstanding. Last month alone from lifting 3 times a week for an hour and half plus 2 hours of cardio I lost 3 inches. That doesn’t seem like a lot…but it is. Then add to that the 5 inches of muscle I gained over all…and well yeah I’m a sculpted super hottie. So like I said, for the past 3 months or so I’ve been lifting on a very specific circuit. Rather a set of machines designed to sculpt, build and tone your entire body. A set of 12 to be exact. It succeeded in giving me a very good foundation of muscle to build on. Some slight toning if you will, and you could definitely ask me which way to the beach (insert obvious flexing here).
That circuit was an 8 week program and after graduation it was time to move up stairs. Were the big boys play. And by big boys I mean all the free weights (ergo hot men), and all the rest of the weight machines. I was excited. With the help of my gym bitch, we constructed a finely tuned work out plan to utilize all the muscle I had started building down stairs. Utilize and make them bigger; well that was my goal. I think the gym bitch’s goal was just to make them hurt. So far we’ve each reached our target. Him more so than me. But I’m not complaining…well at least not very loud. It’s a good hurt. And if you’ve ever lifted before you’ll know what I mean. There’s a feeling, a slight burning, then a straining and it hurts but it feels so good. Your muscles ache and your tired but you feel like you’ve just taken on the world, and could do it again. All in that simple and controlled motion of lifting and lowering. There’s nothing like it, nothing that will make you feel as empowered or in control. However if you feel anything other than these things such as an acid like burn feeling or actual pain, well take my word on this you’ve hurt something.
So feeling this way about all the machines it is oddly the only machine out of the group that is not really a machine at all, that I love the most. It’s called the assisted chin dip, or pull up. It’s a system of weights and levers that acts as a counter balance so that you can do pull ups and triceps curls. That’s it. No bells and whistles. Just a little platform you kneel on while you use the bar to pull yourself up. It has been dubbed the Sarah Connors machine (please see Terminator) because while I’m doing those 2 sets of 10 I feel like the sexiest woman alive. A complete and total bad ass. And yeah, hell yeah I watch myself in the mirror while I do it.
With out shame I roll my sleeves up to my shoulders and watch my arms as I pull my self up. The muscle bulges and you can see in that one simple act all of the hard work, sweat, and tears (yes I cried once) of the past 4 months. In that bulging muscle you see dedication, and commitment personified. You see strength and power and the challenge of keeping it and building on it.
As I lower myself back down with a firm and controlled motion, I feel the muscles in my upper back and lats stretch and strain, building, expanding, making me stronger. And it hurts. But I enjoy it, it makes me go faster so I pull myself back up my eyes on my protruding biceps, feeling the muscle roll and come together under my skin. I feel more of a woman in that moment, in that intake of breath as I lift myself, sweat rolling down my face, straining to bring myself to the top, the muscles screaming…bulging, than any other moment in my life.
Then I resist the urge to kiss it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

What the Problem is...

So I had some time , along with a couple of beers, and I've realized what the problem is with my dating life. The problem apparently is that I have standards and I'm not supposed to based on the way I look. I've come to the conclusion that these men who are talking to must think that because I'm chunky that I am 1 desperate and 2 have no self esteem. Apparently big girls are not supposed to feel good about themselves or know how outfuckingstanding we are. We are supposed to take what ever we can get and be grateful.
So what the guy is a douche bag who has poor personal hygene, is self absorbed and only cares about getting his dick wet. Hey at least I'm getting some right? At least I have somebody to come home to. So I'm going to pass on that.
I'd rather be by myself and go through a string of horrible dates than settle for someone that I know will never appreciate everything that I am bringing to the table. I did that for 3 years. I will never ever settle for anything less than I deserve again.
However, things that I am learning:
1. Red flags. I never really understood the concept of red or warning flags before. And they have been surprisingly hard for me to identify. If you know me at all then you know I am unusual perceptive but not when it comes to things of this nature. However I am trying to be aware of any unusual behavior, poor character traits or obvious warning's.
2. I do not have to like every man I meet. This one has been tough too. I generaly like people and it's rare to find some one that I can't get along with. But every man that I come in contact with I do not have to date....well at least more than once.
3. I'm learning exactly how much I gave up when I was with Tim. I am learning how outstanding I am as a person, and as a woman. I am learning not everyone is like me. I am learning that I am special.
4. I am learning what matters to me in a partner and the things that do not.
5. I think the most important thing I am learning is that just because the man is not my husband does not mean he is not an asshole.

So I had all this in mind when I recently received an invitation to go to a movie with a man who will not call me and ask me out because he has a stutter and prefers to only communicate via email or txt. His stutter is so pronounced he says he generally doesn't talk around people, specifically woman. Ahh communitcation is a big deal to me so I'm going to decline.
Thank God I've come to the end of line. I have no more prospects in the foreseeable future. Under normal circumstance I would go out with him for the movie and just to see what would happen. I'm kind of scared to, and I really...really need a break.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Dating Post Truatmatic Stress Disorder

So I've decided that I am suffering from a rare physiological condition called Dating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, here after refereed to as DPTSD. Original, yes I know. I came to this conclusion while driving to yet another date. And I wanted to blog about this while it was still fresh in my mind.
I was supposed to meet eligible bachelor number ..what ??? 11 or something I think. I've lost count, at 7. I realized at 5:30 that I had not showered, had only about 50 mins to get ready for the date and didnt really want to stop doing what I was doing on the computer. Which was looking at porn. But along with this realization was that it was waaayyyy to close to cancel. So with out any excitement, anticipation, with mild irritation and yes slight resentment I got ready for my date. I was late. I am never late. This is how much I didn't want to go on this date. I should have gone with my gut.
I pulled up into the restaurant parking lot and recognized him immediately even though I had only seen one pic. A close up of his face. This was mostly why I was less than enthused about this date. He was a big boy. A fattie. I can say this because I am fat myself. However, I am not a fattie. I could fit in the booth. He could not. But I put on my best I am not a shallow bitch face and though hey, he probably has a great personality (we usually do) I'll give him a chance. Here is a dramatization of how the evening progressed.

Him:blah blah blah my job, my job, my money, I'm a total bad ass and I'm trying to impress you by telling you that I used to bungee jump and do extreme sports when I was younger.
Me:....sips on Margarita
Him:blah blah blah this is all about me and I'm not going to take the time to ask a single question about you instead, i'm going to spend my time continuously talking about myself hoping that I'll impress you with my life style and money because I couldn't fit in the booth and am embarrassed by it.
Me:....sips on Margarita
Him: blah blah blah so I just got out of a 7 year relationship about 3 weeks ago.
Me: (interrupts) OH? wow....3 weeks ago. So what made you want to start dating again?
Him: well I have several reason for wanting to jump right back into the dating scene again.
Me: Ok What are your top five then?
Him:Well the first is I would like to find people to hang out with that don't know about me or my situation so I don't have to talk about the break up.
Him:secondly, I haven't had sex in a year and I would like to find somebody I could be intimate with.
Him: oh, I like companionship and all that other crap to.
Me:...sips Margarita
insert awkward silence here while he passes up yet another opportunity to take an interest in me.
Me: So...your not really looking for anything serious then?
Him: Oh well just whatever happens happens, if something serious comes out of it then great. If not then well (and he looks me dead in the eye) then there's plenty more where they came from.
Me:.....riight. Excuse me..I need to go to the bathroom.
Me in the bathroom: txting...omg Andy..can you talk? I would like to say that this is the first time I have ever thought about faking an emergency so that I would be able to leave in the middle of a date.
No one answers their phone so I return to the table. He has paid the bill and is working on his 7th screw driver.

Him: so you wanna get out of here and go to Starbucks.
Me:ahh no. No I don't.
Him: oh. Ok, well you wanna go take a walk?
Me: um..dude, It's pouring down rain. So that's looking like no.
Him: Well you want to come back to my place and I'll give you a back rub? I'm gonna pass on that.
Him: ok well, I had a great time. I really hope we can do this again. You have my number, use it.
Me.:.....ok well thank's for dinner, the food was good.

At this point in time we finally make it out to the parking lot were he proceeds to attempt to walk me to the car. I cut him off with a firm handshake and a have a good night. Needless to say I will not be calling.

Not the worse date I've been on. But certainly not the best. Though comparatively speaking I guess it was pretty decent, ahh please see previous blog. Seriously, who says come back to my place for a back rub? Why sure... only if you promise to have cheap meaningless sex with me and give me herpes to really round out the experience. Right. I think by now I've had so many bad/ridiculous experiences with men and dating that I'm not even fazed by it anymore. I've become victim to some type of DPTSD. I'm pretty sure of it. I just have to work out all the details. And I think for a while. I really need to stop dating.

side note...I'm sitting in Denny's writing this on my lap top. I wonder if all these people know they are in the presence of greatness??....probably not.

The Forbidden Blog

Well it's official as of 11 am yesterday morning I was finally able to rejoin the land of the living. I purchased my very own lap top (it's a Sony..white and from a distance if you don't look to hard at it it could totally be a Mac) as well as a wireless card. Now I can connect to the Internet any where. This purchase was officially for school. I'm going back to school full time in Aug and 2 of my classes are online. Because I'm working full time and don't have Internet service at the house and my very hectic schedule a lap top was an obvious necessity. Specifically one with wireless capabilities. Which this has..obviously I'm blogging.
So now with the Internet available at my finger tips on a moments notice I'm not reduced to stealing the Internet from work, constantly looking over my shoulder, minimizing at the smallest noise. It was like I was writing a forbidden blog. Huh....slight twinge of nostalgia though, forbidden is always better.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


So the Muslim courier just told me that God wants me to stop dating.
But she offered to help my mother with an arranged marriage. Apparently they are tricky to set up.

Monday, July 20, 2009

6 Laps

Well as usual I had quite the weekend. Um I'd like to say for the record it sucks ass being DD on somebodies birthday. Specifically it sucks ass being sober in a bar. People are retarded. I would also like to say that I had a date, that did not go well. In fact at some point said person will probably be checking this blog to see if I mentioned it. I did, just now. No I am not going to go in to detail other than to say that it will be filed away under the wtf section of my dating life. Which is the whole purpose of this blog. I'd like to mention that I composed this in my head last night while doing my laps in the pool. You can get a lot done in six laps.
The first conclusion that I came to is that swimming is a wonderful stress relief. The water envelopes you in a way that is comforting and sure. It feels wonderful to glide through such coolness, feeling the water flow over your skin or the way your skin looks and your muscles feel as you are propelled through the water. Then there is the the breathing. In and Out. In. Out. When you get in that zone, when there is nothing left but you and your breathing (so you don't drown) it is one of the most calming exercises a person can do. And then, when you get the motion down you can let your body take over and your mind is free to wander. As long as you don't forget to breath. Trust me on this.
The second conclusion that I came to was that my dating life is ridiculous. Seriously. I don't know what I'm doing to attract these type of men. When I say "these type of men" I don't really know what to call them...crazies is a little to harsh I think. I would say just plain ridiculous, and not in a good way. There was the guy who had an anger problem -in the middle of our date he flipped the fuck out on some woman who parked to close to his car-, then the guy who made me do math, and the indecisive manic depressive who would get drunk and email me wonderful letters about how great I am blah blah blah then sober up and send a recant email saying we shouldn't see each other any more. There was the vacuum salesman/drug dealer. Yeah...seriously. People surprise me sometimes. Then the guy who fabricated a whole career ...and probably a shit ton of other essential his entire life story. Then there was the most boring man alive...and now the newest addition. The man who asked me not to blog about him. We see how that's turning out.
Then came the third realization. That really shitty date didn't upset me as much as it probable should have. In retrospect it was crap. But I wasn't that upset. In fact, I went ahead and took myself to see the movie we were going to go see together. Ahh Harry Potter was outstanding by the way. And afterward had a frosty. Vanilla. What does bother me though is that it didn't bother me. I think I'm getting acclimated to the crazy.
The last realizations was I kinda like it. Usually after I calm down, look back with hindsight and change my telephone number my life cracks me up. I am forever getting involved in totally ridiculous experiences (note to self find another word other than ridiculous). And I learn from them, not all the time, but for the most part, though If nothing else, they give me great blog fodder and storytelling oppuritunity.
I also realized, while I sat in the whirl pool at the gym, that I date a lot. Now..if I can only make it past the first one...

Friday, July 17, 2009


Things of note:

Right now, I'm bored as crap. And I'm living on the edge being the net right now. I wonder if anyone is watching me. Prob not. I'm alone in the lab, however, the mass email we got the other day said that someone is always watching. Dear Big Brother...suck it.

Random happenings-This week the processor managed to include me in a blood exposure. Nice. In all fairness, the tubes really shouldn't be rubber banded together. I thought it was funny though that when the red top exploded (I'm still not sure how that happened) it landed everywhere but on my gloved hands. Blood splatter is a bitch to clean up by the way.

Other happening's of note- I have a date on Sunday. Yes...a real one. No we do not want to talk about it. Not yet...but keep your fingers crossed.

Um..that's about it I think, Nothing really eventful. Thank God. I could use a couple weeks of absolutely nothing random happening to me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I feel like I need to Bitch...

I don't particularly feel like complaining, but one thing I've noticed is that if I let it build up over a couple of days then it tends to find alternate ways of manifesting it's self...and then I get called into my supervisor's office and have to explain why I allegedly tried to kill a co worker with Splenda.

Things that are bothering me. By Shannon Nguyen.

1. It is really bothering me that I just found out that somebody that I work with accused me of mislabeling a specimen and having a coworker take the fall for me. Um..this never happened. I have NEVER mislabeled a specimen. And on the off chance that that would happen I would never EVER ask somebody else to take the fall for me. It is bothering me that this happened about 2 months ago and no body told me and it's bothering me that this is the same coworker who accused me of trying to use her allergy to Splenda as a means to kill her....I'm not motivated enough to formulate a plan that would involve the use of a phsycosmaytic allergy and random artificial sweeteners.

2. I'm getting really fucking tired of playing the "what do you think this says" game. Doctors, you all have the handwriting of a serial killer. And it concerns me that you can't even write your own name legible across the top of your lab req. Confidence this does not make. Pay attention to your nurses, notice how they use the writing utensil. Try and do that to.

3. Could somebody please explain to Client Services what there job is, and find out why they seem to think they get to stop doing it at 4 o'clock?

4. Note to self, find someone who speaks stupid and get them to explain to the phelb who keeps drawing a sst for the cbc and cbca's her Doctor is ordering that I can't run that test off that tube, that would be great. I'm getting really tired of Aprobing her shit.

.....23 Jul 2009 So i just found this I'm not mad any more but thought I would go ahead and post this because I don't have anything to bitch about today. Enjoy!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Yes, I may be lame...Not

Ok so I am following my self ...on my own blog. I am my biggest fan. It is completely normal that I will be leaving comments on my own blogs, telling myself how great I am, how funny and how everybody wants to know me. Perhaps I'll throw in some spirit fingers, a personalized calender with photo's taken of me doing random things and a t shirt with a giant heart with my face in it and own fan club. Hell's yeah.

side note..apparently (and this is from my co workers) I am so great, that I have to be completely ignored sometimes so that my total outstandingness doesn't overwhelm them. I guess by sometimes they mean every day...all the time.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This is not what it looks like...

So what a day what a shift is almost over (yes, I'm at work..on the computer) and I think I'm gonna have to head over to the local watering whole and get a drink before I head off to the gym. Not that today has been a bad day mind you, rather a eventful one. The other processor freaked out after we were all exposed to active TB...never mind the fact we work in the lab...and are exposed to a lot more nasty things and have this very convenient thing called an immune system. Or the fact that I'm using the word exposed here loosely. Then the swab with the swine flu...yes yes yes. I'm so over the fucking swine flu. Get your flu shot and drink OJ and you'll be ok. However, random happening of note...we all decided to donate a tube of blood so that the main lab can calibrate the machines they use to run the PTI for the cancer patients. However we decided do do this after all the Phelbs had left for the day. So there I am, with only a theoretical knowledge of phlebotomy being guided by the processor (ahh this is only my third draw but I'd like to say for the record that until I drew the micro processor I was 2 and 0) sweating bullets because I know how much she hates blood, specifically getting it drawn, gloved up and wrestling with the butterfly package. Micro is sitting there, tourniquet wrapped, utalizing a physiological skill called self talk (will blog on that later) . As I'm about to stick the needle through her skin it just so happens that one of the live patient register's comes into the room. I stop, needle poised as a bead of sweat runs off my for head, down my nose and onto Micro's arm, contaminating the area. The registrar then queried with a look of confusion and asked what we were doing. Nothing, I replied. Your doing something, she said. Standing up, wiping the sweat away all I could say was.."ok, this is not what it looks like."

Monday, June 29, 2009

No Touchie

It's not very often I use my blog as a forum to lament about personal trials. I most often use it as a forum to share the crazy and random things that happen to me or that I notice. Every so often though I'll man up, so to speak, and discuss something that is deeply personal and/or something that could qualify as a trail or tribulation. Tonight would be one such night. I was at my counseling appointment today (before you even ask, yes...more than likely i am crazy) and I was discussing some aah..concerns with my councelor, mostly regarding my dating life. It was in the middle of the appointment that I had a realization. It had been over a week since anyone had touched me. In any way shape or fashion. No hugs, no causal caress, hell I hadn't even been jostled one good time. It made me go back and re exam the past several months. And the realization was shocking. I can think of only 2 instances since Feb that I have been kissed on, or shown any type of affection by a member of the opposite sex. Even less than that for friends and family members. I can hear it now, you're thinking I'm exaggerating, not remembering the small few times someone has come up and put there hand on me, or perhaps patted my shoulder. I promise you, I have an uncanny memory and I went back through the days and there has been no such contact, save for those two instances and a weekend in Chicago with my best Friend.
And there I sat. Tears running down my face discussing this with my councilor. There are not words to describe the despondency that I felt at this realization. Still feel, now, hours after I left her office. I'm still not quite sure which is bothering me more, the fact that this is happening in my life, or I've become so acclimated to it that there was no notice of it until today.
How many of us go through a day with out touching the people we love? Touch establishes intimacy, trust, it is a form of communication. It soothes, it consoles, it speaks to the heart in a way that no words can ever come close to. How many of us take for granted the people that we could reach out to and lay a hand on? How many take for granted that there is merely someone there that could be touched? How many touch and never realize what it could mean to live with out it? To many I think.
There is no one in my foreseeable future that is going to change this. Perhaps I'll make it a game. See how many days I go before I'm given a hug, or some one comes up and pats my back. In return, I shall make a point to touch those that I care about more often, to show them in my actions how much they mean to me, though it is a very small list and those that mean the most live the farthest away. Yes..a game it shall be. Tomorrow shall be day 1. My councilor gave me a hug before I left.

Friday, June 26, 2009


So I've been reading other peoples blogs, and I have to say I've had a realization. There are other people who quite possibly might be as funny, witty, clever and have a much better way with words than me. *insert awkward silence here* No no it's ok, to all the imaginary readers I have, it's really ok, put down the pitch forks. These things happen. Fortunately my ego is HUGE, and in about 15 minutes I will have successfully forgotten about all this. I have this incredible ability to simply forget/block out anything that could potentially or in retrospect make me feel bad about my self, feel uncomfortable and/or just generally awkward

Thus...I don't remember most of my life.

A Rant

Dear Boss

You are crap. And I would tell you why, I have a whole list of reason to declare, but I also have shit luck, and as such one of the 3 people who read this blog would probably recognize you, the facility, figure out who I am and I, subsequently, would loose my job. And then I'd be even more broke than I am now and would not be able to hire a lawyer to represent me in a wrongful termination suite. You are very very lucky.

But know this, as I mentioned above you are most definitely crap. The runny kind. And everybody feels the same way I do.

Your faithful employee

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I'm Retarded

I can admit it. I've been dicking around this site for the past 30 mins updating my information, and every so often checking my profile to see how many times it's been viewed and getting all excited because it's up to 31...yeah..that was me the whole time. I didnt realize that every time I looked at my own profile it was counting that.

So I'm stupid. And trust hurts.

Kate..apperently I'm writing just for you. We might as well be txting.

Things's been quite the week. There was a coup at work. Results are mixed. I did not succeed in replacing the a for mentioned girl at work nor in taking her position. However Things I did accomplish: a awkward and unproductive phone conversation with my boss involving the co worker, a come to Jesus talk (again) with the coworker and actually reaching an understanding this time, I hope (in all seriousness, I really like this person as an actual person, it's just very very hard working with her-I'm not saying anything here I've not said to her face btw- and I really hope that this time our understanding will stick..I'd hate to have to kill her.)

In other News:

I managed to consume almost a whole box of Pepto Bismal chewable tablets and have here by seem to be managing my heartburn.
I went to a hippy retreat/black panther meeting over the weekend...will be blogging on that just as soon as I have time.
Got a goldfish on Sat...bonded with Cornelius by the time I got home by telling it my whole life's Sunday the he was sickly and as I write this he is now teetering between life an death. I would like to say for the record that if something unfortunate happens to this fish..and by unfortunate I mean it dies...I'm going to be devastated. *insert awkward silence here*
I still am not has become my personal mission in life to become tan. I'm merely less white.

Random Txt...

This is a txt I sent out while at the Hippy compound on Sat to let everyone know I was still alive

"Ok thus far we have eaten all vegan fair and now we are resting for an hour until the bell chimes taking the opportunity to journal and reconnect before the next wrk shop it's a compound type place, I opted not to drink the KoolAid, and thank god hippies don't get violent."
... so yeah...I don't think there's really anything left to say after that.

Friday, June 19, 2009

An uber secret, Heart Burn, and random txt's

I don't "blog" in the typical sense. I usually wait until something exciting happens (which doesn't take long) and then form a prolific essay type blog that gets posted to my myspace (and now this glorious site-that I hope has spell check and it does..yesss). Then I wait for the 7 people who follow my blog to read it and comment on it thusley validating myself while building my self esteem. However, I have decided that I'm going to try a different approach. I'm going to try giving high lites of my days because honestly they are pretty f'ing random and saving the the essay type blogs for the really big and crazy stuff that seems to happen on a pretty regular bases. So here we go

First...I have a HUGE OUTSTANDING secret, which unfortunately I can't tell you. But trust me, it is wondrous glorious news that is killing me, KILLING me to not be able to tell EVERYBODY. To the person that this secret is in relation know who you are (we just confirmed id by the top secret virtual handshake) I love you, and I call first dibs.

Second...I don't know why this would be of any particular interest to anybody other than myself but I have heart burn. Concern. I don't get it very often. Observation- I think that one of the girls I work with is giving me an ulcer. Note to self, plan a office coup coordinated via the inter office mail system to remove her from her position and subsequently take it over.

Third...I don't know why but these are just two of the txt msg's i sent out today and in retrospect are note worthy.

"I failed to mention earlier this evening that while at work i accomplished a small miracle I made the perfect cup of ramen noodles using only a Styrofoam cup a microwave and my wits a feat that i hope i will be able to duplicate on a regular bases and until moments ago was unsurpassable, yes i say moments as i have discovered the perfect peanut butter to jelly ratio hereby creating the perfect Pb and j sandwich *insert look of humble assent* I know, i know. I am obviously outstanding"-from me to everybody in my phone book

"So..the Muslim courier is telling us about the time her husband paid a hooker in Manhattan 25 cents to stick his fingers in her front butt..and I've decided for my bday i want an Elvis impersonator/stripper"- sent to a select few people

I have quite the life.

Congratulations! You're a Woman!!!


At the age of 27 I can count on one hand the few times I’ve had my period. This is due to suffering from a very common affliction that a surprising number of women have, one out of three to be exact. Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, or simply PCOS. A mostly unpleasant syndrome involving hormones, insulin and my uterus; there is nothing life threatening about PCOS, and other than for some unfortunate side effects it’s mostly just a minor inconvenience. One such “side effect” would be, that unless I’m taking birth control and my sugar pill, my body will not ovulate and will not shed the uterine wall lining. I’ll translate. No period. Ever.

I decided, why I’m don’t really know, to get healthy and improve my over all quality of life. Thusly I quit smoking, joined a gym, started watching my diet and am getting divorced. Since I was making obvious and drastic changes and reductions to my life for some reason or another I decided to start taking my medication. And exactly 28 days later started what I’m here after referring to as hell week.

It started very slowly. First was the initial onset of PMS, or premenstrual syndrome. From my research and experience with the girls at work, this varies. Some women start pms’ing a week or so before, others during the week of. Some (lucky bitches…yeah I went there) not at all. Mine started about 6 days prior to my white pills. I watched my hormones take over my body with an almost morbid fascination. First I was irritable and cranky. Everything was an annoyance sent by the devil to torment me. Then there was a bout of melodramatic over reaction and exaggeration to small occurrences. Then came the feeling’s. All of a sudden I had feelings on just about everything and those seemed to be sadness, despondency and a overall feeling of general morose. My body decided that the only way to deal with said feelings was to cry about it. All the time. Over everything….everything.

Then came the eating. Primarily chocolate. I didn’t understand. Under normal circumstances I’m not a fan of it unless it’s covering peanut butter or something salty. But anything sweet, chocolaty or just generally fattening went into my mouth. Then, then came this other…feeling. I got horny. A lot. All the time. In almost a constant state of arousal, I went through a hole pack of batteries, discovered 2 new free porn sites online, and probably scared the bejesus out of my gym bitch….mostly regarding his brother. Obviously, after 27 years of virtually never going through this, it was a traumatic and emotionally scaring week….for me as well as everybody else.

I decided that when the period actually started, I would be ready. I went online and looked at graphs and pictures so that I would know exactly what was happening to my body each step of the way. I polled my friends, bought a box of tampons and pads. Had designated 7 sets of panties specifically for my time of the month. And then I waited. I wasn‘t disappointed. Two days into my white pills I started cramping and bloating. The cramps, oh my god the cramps. There are not words to describe the constant pain of having an organ squeeze itself. Like my uterus was giving itself a hug, constantly. Then my back. Back and forth. My stomach and my back. A constant dull ache that rolls over you. (Ironically the only thing that really helped was Midol and masturbation. Life is funny that way sometimes) Still I waited. Day 3 into my white pills. Nothing. Day 4, nothing. Thinking I might have possibly dodged a bullet, I went to bed. However, I woke up the afternoon of day 5 in silent horror wondering where the horse head was. It. Was. Everywhere. Hell yes I panicked. And of course, since my body the week prior had already decided how we were handling anything that happened to me, I cried.

I spent most of day 5 in disgusted horror at what my body was discharging. And after one awkward phone call from my best friend explaining to me the logistical application of the tampon and coming to terms with my gross immaturity, I decided I wanted nothing more to do with any of this. Ever. I still feel that way, even now, on the afternoon of day six. I have come to several conclusions. First, there is nothing natural about bleeding for 7 days; second, of all the places that this could be excreted from, why it has to come from my front butt is beyond me. Thirdly, I don’t feel more of a woman for having suffered through it. And fourthly, I can say, that there is absolutely nothing that makes going through this worth it. Save for confirming I’m not pregnant. But unless it’s an immaculate conception, I’m not even given that small respite.

However, it is over. Well not over, but it will be soon. And hopefully my life and my body will gradually return to normal. I feel better prepared next month for what will happen. I will make some small changes in my coping plan, be a little better prepared and at the very least, the instructional video for tampon insertion wont be necessary. Thanks any way Allison.

On the Subject of Soulmates...

Soul Mates

I am not a romantic. Not in the sense that most people think of when they describe someone as such. I do not want a trail of rose petals strewn across the floor, leading the way to a candle lit bedroom. Somebody has to clean all that crap up. Romance to me is the practical things that show that my significant other is expressing an interest in my life, essentially that they are paying attention. Do a chore I hate, put brake pads on my car, rub my feet, and most importantly, it’s not how much you spent on the card, its what you took the time to write inside of it. My weakness, however, is flowers. Those I absolutely adore, other than that things of a practical nature appeal to me. However, there is one romantic notion that I cling to, with an almost reverent desperation, and that would be the idea of soul mates. Something I just so happened to have a conversation about this evening, at the gym of all places, (sigh…please see former blog).
The idea of soul mates is nothing new. Of all the descriptions and ideas though of what a soul mate actually is, I’ve always found something in Plato’s description that appealed to me the most. He describes in his Symposium how, originally men had four arms, legs and a head consisting of two faces. Zeus, fearing the men split them, and condemned them to wander the earth forever searching for their other half. Poignant no? I find it ironic that, even now, it is mostly fear that will divide two people, fear of making the wrong decision, of making the right one, of the unknown. And thus we search, for our other half, knowing that when our search is complete will have nothing to fear. But I digress.
My concept of soul mates, I’m sure, is unoriginal and most likely trite and clichéd. But, it gives me hope; personaly I don’t think that God has condemned us to life with the possibility of one chance. One chance of finding “true love”, one chance of being the world to someone, and vice versa. Nor do I think they are gender specific and limited to relationships of a romantic nature. In fact, I have 2 actively in my life right now…Allison and Kate. A friendship that as corny and hokey as it sounds transcends Mr. Webster’s definition. I can not imagine them not in my life, and I am a better person for knowing them. They enhance me, they bring out all the best qualities in me, put up with the worst and for that there is never a time that I hope that I can not share the best and worst aspects of my life with them. For the sake of this blog, I will mention I’m sure that once, a very long time ago I had in my life a soul mate in the truer sense of the word; though, it is not my wish to dwell to deeply on the memories, but let is suffice to say that the years I had him in my life where some of the best, and never, thus far, has anyone made me as happy, gotten me more completely or hurt me as deeply as he did. But, as is the nature of these things, he too was lost. And now I am alone. And waiting, for when the time is right with much hope and a careful eagerness of what the future will bring.
At the risk of sound narcissistic, I know that I am to outstanding of a woman and have to much to offer the right person to spend the rest of my life alone, because I’m lucky enough to have realized a while ago something that I wish more people would. That although I am convinced that there is a soul mate some where out there made just for me, someone that I am searching for, be it actively or no, I am someone’s soul mate too, that there is someone out there, searching for me…..and what a lucky bastard he will be.