Saturday, July 25, 2009

Dating Post Truatmatic Stress Disorder

So I've decided that I am suffering from a rare physiological condition called Dating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, here after refereed to as DPTSD. Original, yes I know. I came to this conclusion while driving to yet another date. And I wanted to blog about this while it was still fresh in my mind.
I was supposed to meet eligible bachelor number ..what ??? 11 or something I think. I've lost count, at 7. I realized at 5:30 that I had not showered, had only about 50 mins to get ready for the date and didnt really want to stop doing what I was doing on the computer. Which was looking at porn. But along with this realization was that it was waaayyyy to close to cancel. So with out any excitement, anticipation, with mild irritation and yes slight resentment I got ready for my date. I was late. I am never late. This is how much I didn't want to go on this date. I should have gone with my gut.
I pulled up into the restaurant parking lot and recognized him immediately even though I had only seen one pic. A close up of his face. This was mostly why I was less than enthused about this date. He was a big boy. A fattie. I can say this because I am fat myself. However, I am not a fattie. I could fit in the booth. He could not. But I put on my best I am not a shallow bitch face and though hey, he probably has a great personality (we usually do) I'll give him a chance. Here is a dramatization of how the evening progressed.

Him:blah blah blah my job, my job, my money, I'm a total bad ass and I'm trying to impress you by telling you that I used to bungee jump and do extreme sports when I was younger.
Me:....sips on Margarita
Him:blah blah blah this is all about me and I'm not going to take the time to ask a single question about you instead, i'm going to spend my time continuously talking about myself hoping that I'll impress you with my life style and money because I couldn't fit in the booth and am embarrassed by it.
Me:....sips on Margarita
Him: blah blah blah so I just got out of a 7 year relationship about 3 weeks ago.
Me: (interrupts) OH? wow....3 weeks ago. So what made you want to start dating again?
Him: well I have several reason for wanting to jump right back into the dating scene again.
Me: Ok What are your top five then?
Him:Well the first is I would like to find people to hang out with that don't know about me or my situation so I don't have to talk about the break up.
Him:secondly, I haven't had sex in a year and I would like to find somebody I could be intimate with.
Him: oh, I like companionship and all that other crap to.
Me:...sips Margarita
insert awkward silence here while he passes up yet another opportunity to take an interest in me.
Me: So...your not really looking for anything serious then?
Him: Oh well just whatever happens happens, if something serious comes out of it then great. If not then well (and he looks me dead in the eye) then there's plenty more where they came from.
Me:.....riight. Excuse me..I need to go to the bathroom.
Me in the bathroom: txting...omg Andy..can you talk? I would like to say that this is the first time I have ever thought about faking an emergency so that I would be able to leave in the middle of a date.
No one answers their phone so I return to the table. He has paid the bill and is working on his 7th screw driver.

Him: so you wanna get out of here and go to Starbucks.
Me:ahh no. No I don't.
Him: oh. Ok, well you wanna go take a walk?
Me: um..dude, It's pouring down rain. So that's looking like no.
Him: Well you want to come back to my place and I'll give you a back rub? I'm gonna pass on that.
Him: ok well, I had a great time. I really hope we can do this again. You have my number, use it.
Me.:.....ok well thank's for dinner, the food was good.

At this point in time we finally make it out to the parking lot were he proceeds to attempt to walk me to the car. I cut him off with a firm handshake and a have a good night. Needless to say I will not be calling.

Not the worse date I've been on. But certainly not the best. Though comparatively speaking I guess it was pretty decent, ahh please see previous blog. Seriously, who says come back to my place for a back rub? Why sure... only if you promise to have cheap meaningless sex with me and give me herpes to really round out the experience. Right. I think by now I've had so many bad/ridiculous experiences with men and dating that I'm not even fazed by it anymore. I've become victim to some type of DPTSD. I'm pretty sure of it. I just have to work out all the details. And I think for a while. I really need to stop dating.

side note...I'm sitting in Denny's writing this on my lap top. I wonder if all these people know they are in the presence of greatness??....probably not.


  1. That must've been some really good porn to make you not want to go on a date!
    That's why I don't date men, because we're all stupid.

  2. lmao...i'm starting to think i'm never going to get laid